Fear and Trembling

Faith is something so few have, and some barely know. Some are just wrong. Some manipulate.

Those who preach it say God tests us. But when do we test it? Can we say if you continue so will we. Or is it us that always must continue? Is it that it makes the game we play, and the rules? Do we get to spin them? Can we put our life in it’s decision?

Can we blame it if the decision is to give up? When we ourselves did? Or maybe faith lied, and relied on something never there. But in my breath I felt that not right. In my heartbeat I believed. My body betrayed my mind. So I can still say it is there.

If I am not forsaken can it save my life? I guess we will know soon.

If it doesn’t, don’t blame it. 

2 thoughts on “Fear and Trembling

  1. I’ve noticed a pattern with your blogs. It sounds like whenever you’re not getting any hits you resort to this emo drama attention seeking tactic that’s honestly more off putting than sympathetic. It’s kind of a turn off really. I don’t say this in a malicious manner but these type of posts turn people off fr0m your blog. If you go to bloggers like engadget or cinemablend you’ll notice that they don’t use the drama llama card.

    No offense intended but It’s very annoying to see people use the victim mentality in their blog posts. I’ve always said this and it remains to be true. If you have enough energy to be a whiny bitch and complain about life being unfair then you have the energy to change your circumstances.

    I want to reiterate that im not her3 to put you down but ive made an onservation about entitlef people they would rather bitch, moan and complain rather than pull themselves up and attempt to improve their live.

    Like I did if you have the energy to complain and throw tantrums then you have the energy to change. You just choose not to.


    1. I appreciate the comments actually. I was going through a very rough time at that time. And yes, I did get myself up, which is why the shift back into what the blog was intended for.

      During that time, in a matter of 2 months, I had 3 different caseworkers (as I reached out for help) The first one was overwhelmed with the amount of clients, after meeting her once, she didn’t, I guess, have the time for the specific help I needed. So she handed some of her load (including me) to a brand new guy, who then I introduced myself all over to. But he got so overwhelmed with the amount of cases he actually walked off the job. That time, I called the major political advocate of the organization. SHE got involved and spoke to them. I finally have a seasoned well informed professional who actually knows what she’s doing. In meeting me once, just once, she got me answers I needed, knew the right people, and we are fastly getting a place that’s not a four story walk-up that my back can’t take.

      I did see the pity party, so totally get you on that. I actually went into an inpatient treatment for a break. My father has Alzheimer’s, and at times can be very verbally abusive. And I haven’t lived with my parents since college!! šŸ˜…šŸ˜…šŸ˜… I’m not used to living at my parents house. Given that I had major emergency surgery, and possibly need fusion, I can’t stay in my apartment for more than a few days at a time before the pain is unmanageable. Which is what I got the caseworker for.

      I was also way over-medicaded. Not that I was using to be high, but there was no way I couldn’t be. It effed up my thinking terribly, and I couldn’t even tell what the actual pain was anymore. The hospital detoxed me and I am also seeing a different pain management doctor, who has a whole slew of offerings for pain, from chiropractic, accupuncture, laser therapy, and even spinal decompression. We are working on no more surgeries, injections, and pain killers.

      I’m telling you all this because your comment has mimicked others, but your feedback, while harsh, did inspire me to see I was throwing a pity party instead of taking action. It motivated me to make some major changes. And, yeah, life still plays some practical jokes and is throwing stuff, I am working on untangling the mess now more clear-headed. It was a dark time, and in that time writing helps me. The blog also allowed me to be open to comments. I want the communication. I want someone to say, “hey, you’re giving up here, fix it,”. If you read my new post, “Him” you will find I’m going back to what I wanted this to be. A philosophy of subjects, meanings, irony, and even some absurdity.

      And now that I’m not so drugged out I’m hoping to find some work. SOMETHING, you know? Instead of sitting here, even though the doctor has ordered that. Driving… Me… Nuts. I’m looking into volunteering at the local hospital. Like an old candy striper, check in and talk to people. Make them comfortable, but also make sure I can stop when needed if the pain is too much.

      So, again, while harsh, I do, really do appreciate the caring. You may be blunt, but you cared enough to leave complete feedback. Sometimes I need solutions I can’t see. And partly because of what was said, (as well as some people realizing I was hinting at suicide) I am fixing it.

      Please stick around and see what this blog is really about. While some posts may deal with mental illness in general, it won’t be this pity party anymore. I can write that stuff on my own, and save it not publicly. Or post it to Facebook like everyone else šŸ˜

      As far as the millennial, emo, 90s introspection: I am not a millennial, though I fall at an odd age where I’m a snippet too young for GenX, but a little older than millennial. Plus, my job, my real job, that I loved dearly, I assisted managed a group home for the Developmentally Disabled. Since it is direct care, many young college kids, new graduated kids, and anyone looking to get into the social work field has exposed me, and even molded me a bit, which is probably why the writing teeters on younger and older perspectives. And while I have heard of the term Emo, I have no idea what that is. In my generation, the moody, dark depressed kids were called “goth,” so I imagine that’s probably what is now Emo, lol.

      So, this, I guess, is a long thank you. I’m also hoping maybe you being proud of me. I’m proud of me. I’ve done a lot and am fixing a lot. You barely have the surface šŸ˜‚ Anyway, thank you šŸ˜™


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