The Stages of Drivers

0-1 years old

What are you doing? What is this? I was sleeping, in my crib, and now you dolled me all up in this… stuff… and.

What is that? It’s a seat.  You got me out of my bed and changed all my clothes to put me back in a seat? WITH BUCKLES?

Where are we going? This isn’t my house.  Where are you putting me? Great, more buckles? And what am I looking at? A seat? Another seat? Some gray blob? Great.  And a big noise, what was that big noise? Wahhhh… big scary noise and I can’t see mommy.

Wait, are we moving? I can’t SEE anything!!

WAAHHH.  This is awful.  The movement is making my chair rock.  It feels so rhythmical.  And it’s boring looking at this overstuffed chair, from my own chair.  Tied into my own chair, so… safe… and……. warm….. and…. rocking…. and……zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2-4 years old

Oh, I get to sit in the car!! The car!! A ride!! Weee!!! I get to go to the store with mommy.  I love going to the store with mommy.  All my toys, maybe I can throw them at mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy get off the phone, I’m trying to play with you!! I will just… Oh mommythatdogisbrowndidyouknowsomedogsarebrownjohnninclasssaidtheteacherhasabrowndogjohnisfunnydidyouwanttohearasecrettheteachersaid…………..

5-10 years old

NO! I’m a big kid now! I WILL NOT SIT IN THAT BOOSTER SEAT.  If you try, I will make your life hell!! NO.

Mommy, I have to pee.  I know you said to go before we left, but I have to pee NNNOOOOWWWWW.

Mommy, I’m thirsty.

Are we there yet?

Mommy, I’m hungry.

Mommy, Baby Hippo is thirsty.  And she has to pee.

Are we there yet?

Mommy, Chris is touching me.  Make Chris not touch me.  MOMMY, HE’S LOOKING AT ME!! He wont’ stay on his side.  Make him STTTOOOOOPPPPP.

Oh, a toy store.  Mommy, can we go to the store? Mommy, why are you going soooo sllllooooooooowwwww. Are we there yet?

What does that sign mean? What is that lady doing? Are we there yet?

I’m bored.  Are we there yet? Let’s sing a song.  Are we there yet? I’m bored.

11-13 years old

I want to sit up front!! Why does Chris always get to sit up front?? I don’t care that he is older, why does he get to sit up front? Ugh, this is so unfair!

Turn on the radio.  No, I don’t like this song.  Not this song either.  Moooommmm, I don’t care that you like this song, I like this song.  NOOOOO CHRIS.  MOM, tell Chris he has to share the radio.

Can you turn it up? PLEASE MOM, just a LITTLE LOUDER?

Dad lets me play it as loud as I want.  And he lets me sit up front!!! Why can’t I sit up front, I’m not a baby, I want to sit up front!

13-16 years old

Sit in front? Then some one might SEE me with you!! I don’t want people to think we are on speaking terms.  It’s not cool mom.  But, you can drive us to the mall on Saturday?  And we have a game on Sunday and you are taking me Chrissy and Jenny.  But first we need to go to Jenny’s aunt’s house cause she has her cleats or whatever.  Okay?

No, I am not sitting in front, this car is embarrassing.  You know, just drop me off a block away from the school so people don’t know I’m related to you, or would come out of something as horrible as THIS car.

16-18 years old

I GOT MY LICENCE!! Mom, you don’t need to take me anywhere anymore.  You just need to get me a car!! Oh, let me tell all my friends and we can go out and pick them up.

Yes mom, I”M driving.  No one else is driving your precious car mom, I promise.  Only me.  But I need to borrow it again tomorrow night.

But I don’t like my car, you’ve got the better car!

VRRROOOOOOOMMMM.  Come on teachers, there was traffic or what not.  Dunkin Donuts cup? Well, yeah, I went for coffee.  Cause that’s what we do in the morning, we are adults.  I have proof, I have a licence.

VRRROOOOOOMMMM.  OMG this person is going so slow!!! Come on!! <BEEEP> Is that Tom? Tom is so cute.  Let me wave to him.

OMG old lady.  MOVE IT <BEEP>

No one can tell me to turn the radio down anymore.  I can listen to it as loud as I want.  Everyone wants to listen.

VRRROOOOOMMMM

Is this person seriously doing the speed limit?? Speed limit is for pussies.  MOVE IT <beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep>

Stupid cops.  Don’t like me cause I’m a teen.  Always pulling me over for nothing.

19-24

Got to get to class.  Come on.  LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING ONLY AND YOU ARE GOING TO SLOW TO BE IN THE LEFT LANE ASSHOLE!! <<<BEEEP>>>

I have the right of way.  What are you doing, are you BLIND? Seriously, what an asshole!

Did you just cut me off.  Well, fine, I’ll cut you off, see how you like it.

VVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM

<BOOM BOOM BOOM> AWESOME NEW SOUND SYSTEM GUYS.  NOW EVERYONE CAN HEAR OUR SICK BEATS? WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Jeez, OLD LADY.  MOVE IT.  Can’t even see over your effing mirror.  People shouldn’t be allowed to drive. AT LEAST PULL OVER AND LET US PASS.  For chrissake DO THE SPEED LIMIT. AT LEAST DO THE SPEED LIMIT.

God… another ticket???  WTF!!! I had to go to class!!! They need to make parking so we can get to class.  God, thank god for that party tonight.  I need some relaxing.

“Yeha I cn drive.  Just a lit-tl buzzie.  I good drunk drive swear to drunk.”

Ohhhh… I’ve never seen the backseat from this position before……

25-30

Okay.  My little snuggins all in tight? Here we go.

Why are you crying? Stop crying!!! OMG, please stop crying. I’m not having anymore kids.  No, can’t do this.

What is with that maniac on the road? Don’t these kids know people have KIDS in the car.

Well, Johnny, leave your sister alone! I know she’s crying, but poking her won’t help.  No, you can’t go to the bathroom.  You just went to the bathroom! We are NOT stopping at McDonalds.

30-40

Ugh.  Traffic.  Why is my whole day nothing but sitting in traffic.  And what is this crap on the radio? OMG, don’t they play anything good anymore?

Keep that up back there and I will turn this car around and we will go home.  So help me…

No, we aren’t there yet.  Stop asking.

John, stop touching your sister.

Turn that radio down.  I can’t think with that crap blaring at me.

40-45

Do I look like your damned chauffeur? Get in the car.  IN THE FRONT! I am not driving you around in the backseat.

No, my car is fine, you don’t need to get out a mile away from the school.  God, you’re so dramatic.  And I’m your mother, not your chauffeur, and you can sit in here and have a decent conversation with…. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TURNING UP THAT RADIO.

OMG, these kids drive so crazy.  What is the hurry?

45-55

No, you can’t borrow my car.  You have a car.  I don’t care if it doesn’t go fast and the radio doesn’t work.  What do you need the radio for? You need to DRIVE not listen to that… JUNK.

Come on, get out of the left lane.  I have to get to work.  BEEP.  Oh my god, why is this guy just pumping music next to me? Does he really think we ALL need to hear his crappy song?

That guy just cut me off.  Why did he cut me off? And why is he giving me the finger?

55-65

Oh God, this grandma can’t be driving can she? I’m stuck behind her.  Great.  She can’t even walk.  I watched her NOT walk to her car.  She can’t see over the wheel.  These people shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

Jeeze, have these kids ever heard of a speed limit? Why are you wizzing by me at 40? It’s 25.  Where is a cop when you need one?

Oh, my favorite morning talk show is on.  I like this nice leisurely drive to work.  Come on buddy, I know it’s the right lane, but seriously, 65.  <sigh> Fine.  I’ll pass you.  You gave me no choice.

65-75

Oh, the highway is just too fast for me.  I like the streets.  I get too nervous driving at such high speeds.

Oh, I have to take the highway.  I’ll just stay to the right and do what is comfortable for me.  Okay, we are approaching.  Oh, let me just stop and wait for traffic to go by before I merge.

Oh, I hate driving at night.  I just can’t see as well.  Oh, this darn guy behind me.  What’s the rush, I can’t see!! Flashing and beeping don’t help.  Pass me.

Good.  I think I got his plates.  “Hello, police.”

75-up

Driving is my privilege, and no one can take it from me.  Why is this kid on my butt? What is the rush? 35 is the MAXIMUM you can go.  Some of us just don’t like to go that fast and you will have to wait.

Oh, my favorite commentator from NPR.  I love this guy! You get ’em.

Why is that young jerk giving me the finger? 35 year old boy thinks he’s a somebody.  Some big shot in a rush.  Should know better.  And look, he has kids in the car.  Shouldn’t let these idiots on the highway.  Fine, I’ll move over a lane.  Happy?

WOW.  Look at that little kid go.  Shouldn’t give out licences until you are at least 25.   I DON’T CARE THAT THE SPEED LIMIT IS 35.  I can barely see the signs! Should make them bigger.  Doesn’t give that young kid.. kid I tell you.  A teen! The right to pass me like that.  I’m doing 20! That’s fast enough.  Back in my day…

One thought on “The Stages of Drivers

  1. Lisa, this is absolutely brilliant. The idea is great but the execution is perfect. As I read through it I could hear the kids talking the way they do, stage by stage. Hell, a lot of the time I could hear MYSELF talking. Thanks for a delightful read.

    Liked by 1 person

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