I don’t know where to start on this one, folks. Just when you thought you cleared your pantries of expired medications, locked up the Robitussin, threw out the whipped cream…
Smoked all the pot, licked all the acid, snorted all the markers, and dusted all your keyboards…
You locked up your liquor cabinet, flushed all the coke, monitor all the friends, call all the parents, make sure some one is going to be there at every party they go to…
You’ve totally been a diligent parent to your child, now growing to pre-teen and teen years. You’ve talked to them about all the drugs like all the school handbooks told you to. You monitor their webcams, blogs, chat messages, tweets. You talk to the teachers, you watch for all the signs, you still make sure the program on TV they are watching isn’t porn…
Your a good parent. You’ve completely teen-proofed the house of anything those little brats will get a hold of lest you become one of those parents you see on the show “Intervention,” snubbing your nose. “I would never let it get that bad. That would never happen to MY family, or MY child. I AM PREPARED.”
Well, you didn’t lock up the spice drawer oh vigilant parent. That stuff you make your famous cookies out of at every bake sale you attended to promote whatever your elementary tot was doing…
This is now your demise.
Yes, apparently, if you eat enough nutmeg, and I mean swallow tons of it, you can get a “trip,” much like that on acid, but with more throwing up involved. (But hey, you will throw up lots of rainbow sludge so that’s something, right?). Did I mention this trip, unlike acid, will last you 48 STRAIGHT HOURS!!!
Thus is the new trend. The 48 hour nutmeg high. I heard this on the news. I looked it up on the internet, this is very true. Because we got wise to the “let me drink all the cough medicine” high, so kids had to get more inventive.
Just a quick pause right here, before I go any further. WHO TRIED THIS!! I mean, before it became a trend, some kid had to be sitting in mom’s basement (I mean, I think anyone who would do this probably still lives with mom and dad) and go, “I’m bored. I have no Robitussin, I have no money/too young to buy weed, the liquor is locked up. What do I do? I wonder what would happen if I just ate all my mom’s nutmeg.”
And in the 48 hour hallucinogenic high, sometime between having a party with people who aren’t there, and throwing up their brains in the toilet (it makes you really sick according to internet reports. Doesn’t this sound fun), they managed to tweet, blog, and call every friend in the world to try it.
And now we have a trend. And who knows if any other spice is safe. Maybe that Oregano is worth more than just an herb we try to trick the police into THINKING it is (because we all carry around little baggies of oregano, yanno, in case we encounter a pizza that has no flavor). We just haven’t ingested enough pounds of it at once to know better yet. Any takers on that?
While we are on weird trends to get high, in my quest to find out about nutmeg, I stumbled upon something called “I-Dosing.” Are you ready folks? Want to know what your kid is really listening to on their headphones.
Music, that if sitting in a dark room, and pumped directly into the ears, has hallucinogenic effects. No, really, I’m not kidding. Kids really think that listening to this annoying music (that sounds much like what happens when I accidentally call a company’s fax number) will get them high. There’s a method for this too. You sit in a dark room with headphones. And listen…. Don’t believe me?
I guess my dilemma about this one is, with all the dumb things my kid could be doing to destroy their body in an attempt to reach extreme Euphoria, should I be mad if this is the path they chose? I mean, hey, it beats thinking they are out raiding the grocery stores of nutmeg, or any other spices some kid hasn’t ingested enough of yet to get a buzz. I mean, really, can I be mad if my child is open to trying a more metaphysical high?
Or is this the new gateway drug? Because you know what’s going to happen. They will all be together at a party, listening to… whatever you call that stuff (is it even music?), and one kid will turn around and say, “Hey, do you know what would make this REALLY cool?”
And then I’m all out of nutmeg when it’s time to make Christmas cookies.